The writing staff writes this entry with great sadness. We write to mark a date, June 5th, so that it will live in infamy. Think of June 5th as like the opposite of a holiday. It was the day when Brosef Pak epitomized being a little biatch.
Here's how it all went down:
Brosef and six of his mates have been planning a trip to Sushi Para II. Sushi Para II is a big deal. I don't care if you don't like sushi. In fact, you should probably GTFO if you can't appreciate a good World Series Roll (God's gift to white washed asian cuisine (well played)).
so yea, this was pretty much what a world series roll
was like.
So you can appreciate a good roll? Good. But I don't think you have come to terms with the magnitude of what I'm talking about. 20 dollars, all you can eat, BYOB. Sushi Para II, in this case para siete (yes that would be 7) is when Brosef and his friends order copious amounts of sushi and try to eat it all. It's like binge drinking only more fun and costly because each piece of uneaten sushi is another +1 dollar onto the bill.
All seven gentlemen were very pumped to stuff themselves with an assortment of raw fish, beer and rice that evening. After waking up at 1 and spending a long day at the library, Chug and MattyIce™ left the library to gather everyone for the epic outing. On the way back, they get a call from Brosef who said something along the lines of "uhh...I can't go I have EDC til 6:30". WTF they exclaimed. But being bros, Chug and MattyIce™ did not flip a shit and tried to convince Brosef to go. Their efforts were in vain. So they decided to go without Brosef. A decision they thought they would regret but oh little did they know...
After rallying the crew, Brueger, MattyIce™, Chug, Soghey Boghey, GY and EC embarked on their journey in a car, with a striking resemblance of a lime colored carboard box, with Chug in the back and 2 six packs of Rolling Rock, ready for a good time. Then all of a sudden, Brosef called saying something along the lines of "ok guys i can go, come pick me up". Not wanting to ruin their momentum, they told Brosef to meet them outside of the building Brosef was doing work in. They pulled up and to their surprise, Brosef was not there. They pulled over and waited. Soghey Boghey had enough of Brosef's bull and wanted to drive off but the rest convinced him otherwise. Oh Soghey Boghey, if only we listened. After a long wait, and several calls ending in voicemails, they spotted Brosef talking on his phone, on his way toward them. HUSTLE DAMMIT.
Brosef got to the car and looked expectantly at his friends to move aside and give him a seat. False Brosef. You are the last person here, you held up 6 other people for over 5 min. That's like a net total of 30 min of wasted time. We could have already been eating sushi had we not waited for you. GTF in the trunk (with Chug).
And finally, with seating arrangements settled, the 7 headed off to Sushi Para II. Along the way, Brosef monopolized use of the iPod. Antagonizing his friends with his unique Brosef styled music. I think the following picture is sufficient enough to describe the type of music Brosef played.
After enduring a good half hour of complete utter desecration of their auditory abilities, they finally arrived a Sushi Para. Unfortunately, MattyIce™ forgot to make a reservation. Fortunately, no reservation was needed, they just had to wait. Unfortunately, the line was long as fuck. Fortunately, Chug is damn persuasive and talked with the waitress downstairs. Unfortunately, that meant they had to eat downstairs and they still had to wait. Fortunately, someone from upstairs, the legitimate portion of the restaurant where all the beautiful people are, unlike the basement dining area, where all the peoplewhofailatlifeandforgottomakereservations sit, called and told them there was an empty table upstairs. Great success!
First round: they ordered 4-5 World Series Rolls and a lot more other stuff, which at this point is irrelevant to the story. As they ate their rolls and drank their beers, they promptly filled out the next order slip, in hopes of a boat.
Yes. They deliver sushi on a boat if you order enough of it. Take the happiness you feel fasting for a day and finally, seeing all your favorite scrumptious sushi being delivered to you on a gigantic platter. Now replace platter with boat...no, SHIP. T-Pain was excited when he was on a boat. This is a fucking SHIP we are talking about. T-Pain would shit his pants if he were ever on a ship..with his sushi.
However, Brosef, who apparently did not think his quota of ruiningplansandbeingalittlegirl was filled, and went into action.
And his shenanigans started off with something like this "yo guys I'm full". Brosef, you've only had 1 miso soup, 3 peas, 2 pieces of sushi and one gulp of beer (expectations for sushi is in the double digits>12 when you go to sushi para). Then Brosef called it quits and capped his unfinished beer. Then, for some ungodly reason, the order slip that MattyIce™ was supposed to fill out to fulfill the requirements of a ship, ended up in the hands of Brosef. Brosef, without a word, made some random markings on the order slip and handed it to the waitress.
A few minutes elapsed when the realization struck the group. Where did the order slip go? They all looked at Brosef. Who immediately reassured the group "its ok guys, I ordered more".
The next round of sushi was full of fail (sorry, I ran out of fail and facepalm pictures). It did not come on a ship to everyone's dismay...and the kicker, at the top left corner of the platter sat 4 rows of sapporo rolls. That's 2 rolls, 16 pieces all together of sushi with orange shit on it.
But wait, you mean orange caviar? I love that stuff!
No. I mean orange shit. All seven comrades were struggling to finish the sushi they ordered. Then they saw the sapporo rolls and looked at one another with confused looks. Then all 6 pairs of eyes focused on Brosef. Who's lips said "yo it wasn't me" but his face said otherwise, "hahaha yo that is hilarious". Through deductive reasoning, they realized Brosef ordered the sapporo rolls. They made Brosef try a piece. Brosef's reaction to eating it was "...nah i don't really like this stuff" and proceeded to call it quits. Oh right, and he said "sorry" for ordering all those rolls. As Soghey Boghey so eloquently put it "Brosef, that's like saying sorry after dropping a nuclear bomb".
To preserve their monetary resources and to be reasonable (at first they wanted to be fair and make Brosef to eat all the sapporo rolls), they decided to play a game since anything unpleasant to eat always tastes better when you're forced to eat/drink it because you lost a game (ie: beer pong, greek roulette, sushi roulette etc). What sushi roulette consisted of was 16 rounds of 21 finger. 21st finger eats. After many grueling rounds of 21st finger, everyone's sushi count have well surpassed 1. Except for Brosef's who laughed and prided himself in his skill at a completely bullshit luck based game. No Brosef, you're not getting away that easy. Soghey Boghey generously dropped the last three remaining rolls of sapporo on Brosef's plate, sealing his fate.
Yes, Brosef, eat those and we can go home. And he did. Over a unreasonable lengthy amount of time.
TL;DR version (GTFO if you thought this was TL;DR):
Brosef called to cancel an epic plan he had been planning for weeks with 6 other people.
Brosef flip flopped again and was late at his pickup location, resulting in a net loss of 30 min of their time.
Brosef had non consensual, forceful carnal relations with everyone's auditory systems in the car by playing his music.
Brosef talked up being hungry and not eating all day.
Brosef had 2+ Miso Soups.
Brosef said he was full half way into the first round.
Brosef ruined their chances of getting a boat.
Brosef did not finish his first beer. He wasn't even close.
Brosef took a dump on everyone and ordered 2 sapporo rolls. WHERE IS THE RICE BROSEF?!??! I ONLY SEE ORANGE SHIT.
Brosef was about to get away with not eating the orange gunk he ordered.
With these travesties committed by Brosef, the staff is seriously considering a change in the focus of this blog and webpage. However, we have concluded that Brosef probably provides the most entertainment especially when he is being the opposite of the Brosef we all know and love.
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